A Better Man
by a-lady-to-me
Summary: Series 1 A/U - What if John had already been divorced when Anna confessed her love on the way to the flower show? Would he be able to overcome his doubts and insecurities and accept her love? This is a two-part fic.
1. Chapter 1

**A/N****: **I simply adore writing Series 1 Anna and Bates. Their relationship was so new, unsure. It's refreshing after everything that has happened to go back and explore this time in their love.

This is a two-part fic that explores what would have happened after the flower show if John was already divorced. Vera might not be an obstacle to him and Anna being together, but the damage she left in wake certainly is. Can John overcome his doubts and insecurities, and realize that he deserve love and happiness?

Hope you enjoy this! Part 2 will be up tomorrow! :)

**Disclaimer****: **I do not own these characters

* * *

It was a cold night after the flower show that found John waiting for Anna in the courtyard. He had promised her an explanation when she had cornered him after dinner, and an explanation she would have.

_"Because I love you, Mr. Bates…"_

The words rang in his head, the most beautiful words he had ever heard anyone say in his life….and she had said them to him!

But this couldn't happen. He couldn't drag her down into his life of misery. Couldn't spoil her innocence with his past. Yes he was free, but his freedom didn't change the fact that he was nearly 15 years her senior, that he was a crippled, that he was a recovering drunk, and an accused thief. Even Anna's light couldn't change his past.

Just then he heard the sound of the back door, and her soft footsteps as they rounded the corner where he was situated on a crate…away from prying eyes. The silence was heavy. The ease of their friendship had shifted to a weighted tension that neither of them wanted between them.

"Anna…"

"Mr. Bates…"

They both smiled as they spoke in unison, then paused to let the other continue.

"Mr. Bates, this is silly. I don't want things to be like this between us…so…"

"Awkward?" He supplied the word with an apologetic smile.

"Yes…awkward." She looked to the ground, and he knew she blamed herself for the atmosphere between them.

"Please Anna…sit." He gestured to the space beside him on the crate, in hopes of making her more comfortable. She moved quietly to sit beside him, and looked shocked when he took her hand.

"Anna, I think it's time I was honest with you. The last thing I want is for you to feel embarrassed about what happened this afternoon, or for there to be any ill feelings between us." He rubbed the top of her hand gently with his thumb, and watched as she relaxed slightly. The simple touch sent shockwaves through his system, but he pushed them aside.

He waited for her slight nod as an acknowledgment, and watched her as she took a deep breath and finally met his eyes. He could see the faint trace of tears behind her beautiful gaze, and his heart shattered. He was going to hurt her….the last thing he wanted, but it must be done if she had any hope of moving on from him.

"Anna you were so brave today, and I meant what I said…you _are_ a lady to me. But…"

"But…" she laughed cynically, it was such a foreign sound to his ears that it only served to break him further. "Why is there always a 'but'?" She smiled sadly.

"I wish there wasn't Anna. You have no idea how much. Please…just let me explain, alright? Then….then we will see what happens." He felt miserable for giving her a shred of hope when he knew there was none, but he just couldn't stand to watch her heart break, and know he was the reason. Selfish as it was…

She nodded, "Alright, I'm all ears Mr. Bates."

"You…you asked me before if I was married. I was, but I am not anymore."

"So you are widowed?" She asked.

"Divorced."

Her eyes widened slightly, before she reigned in her shock, and gave him a reassuring nod to continue.

"You see after my time in the army…after my injury…I turned to the bottle for support since I received none from Vera, my wife. While I sought relief at the bottom of a scotch bottle, she sought her own with other men. Can't say that I blame her really…I was a poor excuse for a husband."

"You had been injured in the service of the King, there is no shame in that. She should have supported you." He had to smile at Anna's insistent defense of him, even as she heard the gory details of his past. Maybe…no, he could not entertain thoughts of her acceptance. Surely when she heard the rest she would run. He softly placed his other hand over their joined ones.

"Thank you, Anna…but I'm afraid there's more, and it is not a pretty tale. Are you sure you want to hear this?"

"Of course I do." She said firmly. "If you want to tell me…I don't want you to feel like you have to. I also don't want you to think that this will change anything."

The look she gave him made his heart leap, and he had to push down the hope that was building inside of him. She didn't know yet, but once she did…

"I wish that were true Anna…I need you to hear everything before you make up your mind about me."

He could see that she wanted to argue, but she bit her lip and waited for him to go on with his story.

"I knew of Vera's infidelity. It was common knowledge in the area that we lived in. It only pushed me to drink more to tame the disgrace that I felt. I tried to get a job, but with my injury it was hard…I still hadn't learned to cope with the pain yet. We ran out of money…fast. My mother helped, but Vera spent it almost as fast as we could get it. One night I came home, and found a case of regimental silver hidden behind the bureau. She had stolen it…" He paused as Anna gasped. "I know…I don't know why she thought she would get away with it. When I confronted her she blamed me, and being that I was sober for the first time in several weeks, I let her. When the police came, I confessed to the crime. " Anna had large tears rolling down her face, and he was tempted to wipe them away, but stopped himself. "I served 5 years in prison for Vera's crime, but I used prison as an opportunity to get my life straight. I got sober, and vowed that when I was released I would be a changed man, a better man. I even vowed to give my marriage a real chance. To be a proper husband to my wife, even if I didn't love her, I had still made a promise to her. That was before I was paid a visit by Vera's attorney." He paused giving Anna a moment to process everything he had said. She was still crying, but she seemed to see where this was going, and made no move to speak so he continued.

"I had been in prison 2 years when I was asked to sign the divorce papers. Vera had apparently met someone who could provide for her….and she just so happened to be carrying the man's child. I signed them with no hesitation. I am ashamed to say that I was extremely relieved."

Anna felt moved to speak when he said that. "I don't know why…she sounds like a horrid woman. To let her husband take the blame for her crimes, then have countless affairs." John could see the anger in her eyes, and he understood. Vera was a horrid woman…but he had been a horrid husband.

"You're right, but she didn't play the only role in the destruction of our marriage Anna…I was…well, when I was drinking I was not nicest person to be around. I blame Vera for a lot of things Anna, but we both played an equal role in the turn our relationship took." He waited for that to sink in, and Anna nodded her head in understanding.

"But you changed…after prison?"

"I did. Not long after my release I contacted Lord Grantham, hoping he would accept me on here at Downton, and I could live out my days in peace in the countryside." He smiled down at her. "Little did I know what awaited me here."

She lowered her head, and blushed at the look he was giving her. He knew he couldn't keep the love from shining in his eyes, but he also knew he couldn't let it go any further than that.

"So now you see why I was so distant, why I must remain distant." He spoke softly.

"No I don't actually. Because what I have heard is the story of a man with a past, a man who made mistakes and learned from those mistakes, a man who is brave and gallant and loyal. You took the fall for your wife's crimes out of guilt, you turned your life around…that is the most noble thing I have ever heard." She turned slightly towards him, and John found himself incapable of forming words as he took in the look in her eyes. She was fierce, and determined, and God help him…she was so beautiful.

"Mr. Bates I know you don't think you deserve happiness. I know you don't think you deserve to be loved, but I am here to tell you that you do. I believe with all my heart that you are an honorable man, and I don't want you to let your past dictate your future. If you don't love me then I can accept that, truly." She took a deep breath. "But if you do love me, and you are simply letting your past keep you from having a happy life with me, then that is unacceptable."

"Anna…" He whispered painfully. Her words were beautiful, but they just couldn't be true. His past would taint their relationship…just like it tainted everything else, and he could not let that happen. Not to her. "I can't." He lowered his head to their joined hands, and felt the tears burning behind his eyes, begging to be shed.

"Why?" She asked firmly.

He looked at her with surprise. He had been expecting more arguing, not a question.

"Because of everything I just told you…because I can't let my past spoil you, that's why. You are far too good for me, Anna. You deserve so much more than an old cripple…you deserve someone who can give you the life you deserve, a home…a family. I can't give you that…" The pain seared him from the inside out.

"You can't? Or you won't?" He looked up to see she was angry. He lowered his head, unable to face her anger and hurt, but knowing that he must if he was to let her go. He waited, and she continued. "You tell me you're divorced, which means you are free to be with me, but then you say you can't? Mr. Ba….John..." She said his name softly, and he looked up with shock. The sound of his given name falling from her lips was one of the sweetest sounds he had ever heard. When he met her eyes he saw that she was blushing lightly at the sudden drop of formality, but her face remained steady as she gave his hand a tender squeeze. "John, you deserve to be happy. You may not be able to see it, but I do. I know you are a good man, and I know you deserve happiness, and a family and….well, I want to be the one to give you that. I love you, John."

He was shaking his head. "You can't love me, Anna...not after what I told you."

She gave an exasperated sigh. "Well I do love you, whether you choose to accept it or not is up to you, I suppose." The words came out harshly, causing him to wince, but she recovered with a deep breath before going on. "I meant what I said, if you don't love me back then I will leave right now and never bother you with this again. It's just...I can see that you do. Your eyes say that you love me, even if you can't say it with words."

He could feel the tension rising in him. It would be so easy to say no; that he didn't love her and let her move on. However they both knew that would be a lie...what was he to do? The confusion was bubbling inside him like a volcano about to erupt; he could feel the pressure forming with no where to go but out…

Dropping her hands, he stood refusing to make eye contact with her, knowing it would be his undoing. She waited for him to speak, but when he remained standing there in his brooding silence she spoke.

"Why won't you let yourself be happy, John? Why won't you let yourself love, and be loved in return?" The words were spoken as light as a whisper, but their weight was heavy enough to break him.

"Because I can't!" She flinched, and in the deep recesses of his mind he scolded himself. He had never raised his voice to her before, but he couldn't stop himself. The volcano was erupting. "My past has broken me, and I will be damned if I let it break you too!" His breath was coming in sharp pants, his chest tightening...he could feel the beginnings of a panic attack, but he worked hard to calm his breathing….he didn't want her being a witness to this. After calming himself slightly, he looked to Anna and saw that she was crying. Watching him struggle, and aching to help him but frozen. In that moment, as he shattered in front of her, he spoke the truest words he had ever said in his entire life. "No one has ever loved me the way that you do, Anna. But I don't….I don't know how to love you back."

Tears streaming down his face, he turned and left her standing there. He could only faintly hear her strangled cry of his name...her pleas for him to come back, but he kept walking straight inside, up the stairs, and to his room where he dissolved into a broken heap on the bed. Knowing that he had just destroyed the one piece of true happiness he would ever know.

* * *

_Please review :) xx_


	2. Chapter 2

**A/N****: **Here is Part 2! I had so much fun writing this little snapshot of what could have happened had there been no Vera. I might even be tempted to write some more, maybe just something light and fluffy to keep us all going. What do you all think? I am open to suggestions! :)

**Disclaimer****:** Same as chapter 1.

* * *

Several hours later John still lay there on his single bed in his cold room at Downton. He couldn't bring himself to change, or even care that he was freezing. The cold was a harsh reflection of his life...a life he now had to face without Anna, since he was sure he had probably scared her senseless with his display earlier. He had let the tears have him when he got to his room. It had been so long since he had cried, and it strangely felt good to let his emotions have control of him for a time.

He let each of his conflicting feelings take over him in turn. Anger, disappointment, love, heartbreak, confusion. He settled on the latter for a moment as he let Anna's words sink into his conscious. She vowed that he was worthy of happiness and love. Anna saw in him the man that he so desperately wanted to be for her. Had he made the right decision by pushing her away? Could he really make her happy? Could he allow_ himself_ to be happy...to be loved? If anyone could save him he knew it was Anna. But his doubts were never far away; latching onto his thoughts with dark tentacles of fear and self-loathing.

He had spent years convincing himself that he was nothing, worthless...that he deserved to be alone. How had Anna, with a simple declaration of love, managed to uproot every dark thought he had ever had?

He was startled from his thoughts by a soft knock on the door. Looking to the clock he saw that it was nearly two in the morning. Too late for it to be his usual visit from young William seeking advice. Confused, he rose from the bed and opened the door...never in all his years did he expect to see Anna standing in the hallway of the men's corridor in the middle of the night. She looked like an angel in her floor-length nightgown, with her shawl wrapped tightly around her shoulders, and her hair hanging at her side in a long braid. His mind flashed back to the night of the fair when she had been sick...the night he had silently professed his love for her in the form of a small vase of flowers, and a carefully arranged dinner tray.

Finally he managed to shake off his shock enough to ask her, "Anna what on earth?..." But she interrupted with an insistent whisper.

"I would prefer if you didn't question my motives in the middle of the hallway, Mr. Bates. Will you please let me in?" There was a hint of a mischievous smile on her face, but not enough to drown out the concern in her eyes.

Stepping to the side he motioned her into his room. _This is dangerous_, he thought to himself, but he forced his indecent thoughts aside to focus on why she was here to begin with. After closing, and locking the door for good measure, he turned to see her looking around his room. Their eyes met, and John had to look away with the intensity of love that passed between them. How was he going to do this?

"May I sit, Mr. Bates?" She asked, pointing to the chair situated by his bed.

"Of course." She sat, and John caught sight of her bare feet below her gown. His heart flipped..._focus John_. Sitting across from her on the side of his bed, he decided to ask the obvious question, "what are doing here, Anna?"

Her focus fell to her hands which were locked on her lap. He could tell she was struggling, but he waited knowing she would speak when she was ready.

"I couldn't leave things the way we did in the courtyard. I couldn't let you lie in here alone thinking that you were unworthy of love. I understand that I may not be the one...the one who you want to love you, but I..." He had to stop her.

"That is where you are very wrong, Anna." She looked up at him then, her beautiful blue eyes full of unshed tears. John decided in that moment that seeing her hurting was the single worst thing he had ever experienced. He couldn't do it. Taking a deep breath he decided in that moment to be completely honest with her, and let fate take over from there.

"I am very sorry for the way I acted in the courtyard." He said watching as she began shaking her head, and he could tell she was about to protest. "Please Anna, just let me get this out." She nodded for him to continue. "You see...I have spent the better part of my adult life convincing myself that I was unworthy of happiness. I have been living as an empty shell of a man. Then I met you...you have captivated me from the very first time you shook my hand." He couldn't help but smile, and she returned it. "But my old doubts still plagued me. I saw before me a beautiful, young, vibrant woman who deserved everything good that life could bring her. When you told me that you loved me, all those years of self-loathing reared their head with a vengeance. But your words from earlier...I have been sitting up here with them playing over in my mind. You say that I am worthy, and good, and deserving of love, but Anna I can't see it..." She opened her mouth, but her words turned to a gasp at his final word, "yet."

She sat there for several heartbeats before she was able to form a few breathless words. "_Yet_ is a very heavy word, Mr. Bates."

He laughed lightly, before taking her hand from her lap into his. "Yes, it is. You see Anna, I may not believe your words yet. It may be a while before I can see myself the way you see me, and I still...I still don't know how to love you the way you love me. But I believe that if anyone can show me these things...teach me how to love, it's you. It's you, my darling."

Anna released a mix between a laugh, and a choked sob as tears began to stream down her face. John reached out with the hand that wasn't holding hers, and wiped the tears away. He cradled her cheek with his hand.

"Will you teach this shell of a man how to be whole again, Anna? Will you give me a chance? I can't promise that it will be easy, but all I know is that you are everything that is good and light in my world. From what I know of life, I know that I love you. Will you allow me to show you?" She leaned into his hand as he spoke. Her eyes never leaving his, and her tears continuing to flow, but her smile...her smile took his breath away.

"Yes." With that one whispered word, she began to put him back together again. Leaning forward ever so slowly John placed a gentle kiss on her lips. The feeling of her warm soft mouth was like a drug he knew he was instantly addicted to. They moved together like old lovers, pouring every emotion they had been feeling since the moment they met into the press of their lips. It was chaste, and innocent, but it was powerful in that it confirmed everything they felt in one simple action.

When they pulled away, both of them were smiling from ear to ear. Foreheads pressed together Anna broke out into a giggle that made John's insides take flight.

"Not exactly the reaction I was expecting after our first kiss." He laughed.

"I just never imagined our first kiss would be in your room in the middle of the night, Mr. Bates. It's quite scandalous." She giggled even more, and he was forced to quiet her with another series of adoring kisses.

"You best be getting back, Anna. We can't have you being caught out, and Daisy will be up soon." He whispered, not wanting to let her go, when she was so newly his.

"You're right." She must have been thinking the same since she made no move to get up. John knew he would have to be the strong one here.

Rising from the bed he pulled her with him, and walked her to the door. Before opening it, she fell into his arms in a loving embrace. He held her against his chest, and breathed in the faint scent of lavender in her hair. Placing a kiss on her head, she pulled away and placed a warm hand on his cheek which he quickly covered with his own.

"You have made me the happiest woman in the world tonight, I hope you know that. I love you." Her words were simple, yet poignant, and they shot straight through his heart.

He turned his head, and gently kissed the palm of her hand. "I love you, too." He whispered in return watching as her face brightened even more...if that was possible.

Checking that the coast was clear John let her out of his room, and watched as she made her way back to the woman's corridor. Before closing the separating door she threw him a smile and a kiss to which he smiled in return before closing his door and leaning against it.

It was going to be a long road, and a hard battle. He knew the darkness would return, and that he would still be plagued with nightmares and moments of doubt. But there was one thing that John didn't doubt; that with Anna by his side he conquer the darkness. For the first time in his life he felt hope; he felt like he was deserving of happiness, and it was all down to one person. He made a vow in that moment that he would do everything in his power to make her happy. He would do anything he could to be a better man for her, and give her the life she deserved. His love, his life, his Anna.

* * *

_Please review! xx_


End file.
